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Better than the Onion

September 8, 2011

Here’s a test: figure out which parts of the quoted text below come from an article in Thursday’s New York Post (“NYC’s a beeping horror”) and which are from a classic Onion story. (“Report: 98 Percent Of U.S. Commuters Favor Public Transportation For Others.”)

The Big Apple’s crippling stop-and-go traffic is driving New Yorkers crazy.

Gridlock-choked streets are the No. 1 menace for city commuters — with almost half saying the clogged roads are worse than ever, according to a survey released yesterday.

“With traffic congestion, pollution, and oil shortages all getting worse, now is the time to shift to affordable, efficient public transportation,” APTA director Howard Collier said. “Fortunately, as this report shows, Americans have finally recognized the need for everyone else to do exactly that.”

It’s so bad that more than one-third of city drivers have ditched their driving plans and turned around out of frustration at least once, according to the annual IBM global traffic survey.

That’s up from last year, when only 19 percent of drivers reported abandoning a trip out of aggravation.

The APTA study also noted that of the 98 percent of Americans who drive to work, 94 percent are the sole occupant of their automobile.

“Expanding mass transit isn’t just a good idea, it’s a necessity,” [Lance] Holland said. “My drive to work is unbelievable. I spend more than two hours stuck in 12 lanes of traffic. It’s about time somebody did something to get some of these other cars off the road.”

The drivers’ second-biggest gripe is rude and aggressive fellow motorists.

And the third most annoying issue is not knowing how long it will take to arrive at a destination.

“People need to realize that public transportation isn’t just for some poor sucker to take to work,” Collier said. “He should also be taking it to the shopping mall, the supermarket, and the laundromat.”

However, the city that always beeps is not the worst in the world in terms of difficult commutes, according to the survey of 8,000 motorists.

That dubious distinction goes to Mexico City.

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One Comment
  1. September 8, 2011 11:18 pm

    Illegal horn “beeping” is just this quaint thing that all New Yorkers do, a funny form of inter-motorist communication that need not be seriously discouraged since everyone does it.

    Meanwhile, the vast majority of New York trips are made my mysterious aliens with no “beep” button—or even a steering wheel—within reach! Who ARE these people?

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